At Least We Didn't Die

Let us rise up and be thankful, for if we didn't learn a lot today, at least we learned a little, and if we didn't learn a little, at least we didn't get sick, and if we got sick, at least we didn't die; so, let us all be thankful. - Buddha

The back story would take forever for me to relate, so I am going to try a brief summation.

I've been married for over seven years. My wife has suffered various form of illness over that time. Some were believed to be "mental" whatever the manifestation. About two years ago she was diagnosed with a severe brain malformation with other complications. Ten months ago she had brain surgery. Nine months ago she had another brain surgery to combat problems that occurred due to the first.

For nine months Bee has been on the road to recovery making steps forward - and back. Luckily most of the steps have been forward. Unluckily the last few months have produced a variety of issues that I have no idea if they're related or unrelated to the surgery and the original ailment. Whatever the cause, weeks at time will go by with my wife being either extremely ill, or just well enough to stay awake for 15 hours.

On this blog I have to talk about myself my ego and my journey. Therefore I shift gears. It may sound selfish, but believe me there are a whole host of other issues that are not discussed here.

A few months ago when my wife first started these cycles of illness, I was in terrible mental shape. My aged 15 dog, who for years has been my best, loyal, empathetic friend, was deteriorating quickly (his death is something I am still not over) and my wife was nearly a week into a state of often vomiting, fatigue, anger, and various other physiological problem. I felt like I was watching both of my loved ones - my entire family - die slow and tortured.

My wife rallied briefly. We travels after my dog's death and enjoyed a soothing, peaceful, and refreshing mountain vacation.

Now the cycle is repeating itself. My dog is already dead. My wife is nearly three weeks into sickness. Everything else aside, I am angry. Not at my wife, of course, but at the situation. The anger manifests in everything I do though. I have not the ability of clear thought. I cannot get the poison of anger out of my system. I battle self critique because not only does my anger represent, How much more does my wife have to suffer, but also How much more so I have to suffer?

I cannot find a way out of this thought pattern. I pity my wife. I pity myself. Neither of these are the right mindset, but I am being routed in the battle against it. And it consumes me.

What's Your Take?

Maybe the most disappointing thing that I have learned about myself is that I have become someone that rushes judgment on folks, will make fun of them - scathingly, and I always have a "Take" (read: self absorbed rant) about a person, a situation, etc.

Do not speak harshly of any one; those who are spoken of will answer you in the same way. Angry speech is painful: blows for blows will touch you. - Buddha

How many reading this do the same thing? Here is what happens to me: I have interaction with someone I think is dumb, a slob, annoying, a conservative - or anything that I choose to focus on. Then, at the first chance I get, I will write a message on twitter or in chat or tell my wife about this person. And I will do it is such a funny way! I find all the best ways to make fun - I'll have folks rolling! I'll rant on about a person's acne, her hair, how dumb he looks, his popped collar, how loud she was talking on her cell, the type of car he drives - man, I could go on and on. That mongoloid with mutant halitosis wearing crocs and pajama bottoms - funny funny stuff. Right?

No, not funny. All that these rants - these Takes - do is push someone down (often folks that are not even present and most of the time didn't do much of anything to encourage ire) for the ego of the transgressor. There is no other reason for it. To make fun of someone or use harsh speak in opinion, editorial or debate serves only one purpose: to serve the ego of the weak and self absorbed. So many of our problems in society exist because of this ego - this need to get the last word and to be more scathing in rebuttal than the opponent was in statement. We The People love to go on a rage rant and belittle our enemies.

To what end?

I've belonged to one online community for nearly a decade. At one time the community voted all manner of things in a sort of popularity contest sub-divided into yearbook like categories. I won one. It was best ranter.

As I investigate myself I understand the ugly person I have become. That, at least, is a small step forward.

Do you mind?

Just as a mother would protect with her life her own son, her only son, so one should cultivate an unbounded mind towards all beings, and loving-kindness towards all the world. One should cultivate an unbounded mind, above and below and across, without obstruction, without enmity, without rivalry. Standing, or going, or seated, or lying down, as long as one is free from drowsiness, one should practice this mindfulness. This, they say, is the holy state here. -Sutta Nipata

Being mindful is one of the hardest mental and spiritual tasks that I have endeavored. I'm not sure if everyone suffers from this (though I believe they must), but I forget myself all the time. I forget that me being there, then and here, now affects... something. My interaction will affect people or things or the volume of air displaced in an area. There is always something that my very existence affects. Even once my consciousness flees the corporeal my bones and dust will take up volume and provide nitrogen and eventually be scattered but never destroyed. That's a lot of responsibility.

A related problem that I have which fuels my imbalance is understanding - and remembering - that most people are not aware of themselves nor of me.

For instance:

Let's say that from time to time I work retail for a business I contract to. As I work retail, there are of course various people that I come in contact with. They're called customers. Because of my anger issues I identify traits that I hate with all of these customers. Their voice, their smell, their attitude, their jokes, the items they're wont to purchase, etc. Specifically, in this example, let's say there are a mother and daughter who are perhaps obese with childish, vacant expressions. They have habits, as consumers, that are annoying to me. They may ask some painfully long questions and ask for somewhat uncomfortable favors. Or they might stand around blinking at me when they have a question to ask but are too timid to plunge ahead without being prompted. And let's say that this drives.me.nuts.

The question that's proper to ask is: Why? Why should something like this bother me? Why do I take people's traits and focus on the things that I hate? My best answer, my honest answer, is ego.

I believe people should somehow consider what I think with regards to how they act, talk, look. How dare they do all these things that I find so annoying?

What a messed up creature I am. Even if this mother and daughter were mindful of themselves, they would have no reason to be mindful of me. At best one would consider someone else a part of the sum. To imagine what one's influence in actions or aesthetics are on someone else is vanity - which of course goes back to ego. Why should it matter to me how a person acts or dresses or how they speak or what music they listen to? It shouldn't. It's selfish. It's ego. I need to transcend ego to find peace. To "come back to zero."

It's not necessary to try to become your true self. You can't be anything else. It's impossible to be other than what we truly are - and what we are changes moment to moment. But because our tendency to grasp is so strong, it may take us some time to learn to trust and relax into our unfixed nature. Ego wants to be substantial and special, and it will try to possess each new realization and insight. When ego grasps at the gains we've made, we will suffer the consequences. Most of us fall into this trap many times before finally seeing that grasping is futile and admitting to ourselves, 'ah, maybe i really am zero, nothing special!' When we make practice our life, we can expect to encounter many traps and sticking places. Yet we can make this an honorable part of our practice by remaining watchful and letting go each time we become stuck. By returning to zero again and again, we gradually close the gap and actualize our unfathomable true nature." - Genpo Roshi

My next post is already in the hopper. In an attempt to gain mindfulness, I am going to sketch out many things that I identify that is wrong with me - the ways I maintain ego which I manifest into anger. The next thing I want to write about it humor and how I (and I believe many) use it to diminish others for the sake of ego.

First I Have To See The Flower

A flower falls, even though we love it; and a weed grows, even though we do not love it. - Dogen

One of the most annoying after-my-generation catch phrases that I have run across is, "It is what it is." At first it annoyed me because everyone I worked with used it with nauseating frequency. Then it annoyed me because it's true and those ninnies had no idea the power of the statement they were throwing around.

Of course I should not care which ninnies are saying what. And there is the crux of my problem. For the most part, people can't win with me. You're polite? Annoying. You're a jerk? Jerk. You laugh a lot? Rolleyes. You breathe through your mouth and stand with your arms to your side with an empty expression on your face? Moron. I can't help myself. I hate you if you talk loudly on your cell phone in public, if you leave your carts in the parking space at the grocer instead of walking them to the cart corral, if you watch reality tv, if you watch PBS, if you listen to popular music, if you listen to indie music, if you are a democrat, if you are a republican, if you eat with your fork backwards, if you can't sub-vocalize at a restaurant, if you're vegan, if you eat meat, if you like fast food, if you sneeze, if you ask too many questions, if you wear uggs, if you wear a doo-rag, if you jack the bass in your car up, if you jack your car up, if you run a stop sign, if you stop completely at a stop sign.

I probably hate you if you're reading this.

I've not always been like this. I used to love everyone (within reason). Nothing bothered me. I used to say, and mean, all the time that, "People don't make me mad, things do." And it was true. My temper was on such a long fuse that I almost never got mad. I was famous in my social circle for it. What happened?

It is what it is. Everything is as it must be - neither right nor wrong. My impact is at the same time momentous and insignificant. I should travel life's road so I have no grudge or preconception and accept life, the flower, the weed, and the man, for what it is.

This is my journey.